- What Is Fear Of Abandonment?
- What Causes Fear Of Abandonment?
- How Do The Patterns Of Fear Of Abandonment Set In?
- Fear of Abandonment Signs
- How To Overcome The Fear Of Abandonment?
- 1. Professional Help
- 2. Talk To Your Loved Ones
- 3. You Are Worthy Of Love
- 4. Become Emotionally Self-Reliant
- 5. Try To Understand Yourself
- 6. Replace The Negative Self-Talk With Positive Self-Talk
- 7. You Don’t Need Someone To Complete Yourself
- 8. Don’t Go For An Emotionally Unavailable Person
- 9. Practice Gratitude
- 10. Keep Your Behaviour In Check
- Wrapping It Up
A person walks in your life; they create their very own special place in your heart. And then one fine day, they leave you. Along with the bittersweet memories, you are also left with the fear of abandonment.
What Is Fear Of Abandonment?
Fear of abandonment refers to the insecurities that arise from the fear that someone will leave you.
Here, “leaving” refers to both death and the action of walking away from someone’s life.
The fear of losing someone or the fear of being left alone is universal; hence, it is pretty normal. But then how and why the fear of abandonment becomes an issue?
Fear of abandonment is an issue because the person suffering from it allows their life to be governed with fear. In short, their normal life is hampered because of the fear of abandonment. The abandonment issue force the person to take action, which might not be beneficial to them. In fact, it might lead to emotional self-harm.
Someone suffering from the fear of abandonment might panic if their loved ones don’t give them a call at the time they promised to call. They might panic if their partner doesn’t immediately call back.
Questions like “Did they leave me?” or “What did I do wrong?” might frequently run through their mind. This fear can also lead to separation anxiety.
What Causes Fear Of Abandonment?
Many a time, the abandonment fear can be found in childhood trauma. Few causes of the fear of abandonment are:
1. Birth Trauma
Incubator babies who are deprived of physical contact, touch and care of their parents for a substantial time may suffer from it. It is because this deprivation leads to the wound of abandonment.
A short separation doesn’t affect the baby profoundly. However, when the duration of separation is long, a fear of abandonment can arise. This cause is reasonably common among adopted children.
2. Inherited Emotional Trauma
Above all, when the parents are dealing with their own sets of problems and stress, they become incapable of providing their children with the required amount of love and care.
The children then end up borrowing the stress and fear of the parents.
3. Symbiotic Entanglement
A child should have a healthy symbiosis with the parents. However, when the love goes missing or when the child feels unwelcome, they enter into symbiotic entanglement. The symbiotic entanglement acts as their survival strategy.
Also, when the parents do not meet the needs of the child, they become afraid to set boundaries, fearing that this will further lead to loss of love and care.
This practice continues even in the later stage of their life. As grown-ups, they continue to fear healthy boundaries with their partners. It becomes a recurring theme in their life.
4. Dependent Relationship
Most importantly, a child who got stuck in a symbiotic entanglement will often look for a person (or available ‘other’) to seek love and comfort in their life.
Certainly, they try to fulfill their unfulfilled longings with the help of this other person. Even after creating such a bond, abandonment issues might arise.
Moreover, such relationships are mostly doomed to fail because it is nearly impossible for the partner to make up for what the inner child of their partner did not get from their parents.
This can further result into rejections and the abandonment fear gets reaffirmed.
5. High Sensitivity
Anyone who has not received the apt amount of love and warmth in their child becomes highly sensitive.
A highly sensitive person opens a lot to receive the love that they failed to win in the early stage. When they open up a lot, they end up taking so much, that they are not left with anything of their own.
Such people tend to take care of other people intensely. The need to take care of other people mostly comes from the belief that they will be taken care of later by that person.
Most of the time, the fear of abandonment is instilled in a person’s mind during early childhood.
How Do The Patterns Of Fear Of Abandonment Set In?
When a child faces an insecure attachment with one or both of the parents, the struggle and the fight to get more attention becomes real.
The child through their actions then fights to get:
- more attention
- nice treatment
From the parents. However, one thing that always goes missing is unconditional love.
The insecurity that arises at the tender age pushes the child to question their self-worth.
Slowly, with time, these emotions get internalized so strongly that the child keeps fighting for the approval, even after they grow up. This approval sometimes comes at their own expense. And this becomes a pattern.
When the child grows up, they repeat the same cycle as an adult by giving too much power to their partner. By giving their partner a higher value, the inner child tries to create a familiar scenario.
Most of the time, such adults end up associating love with being needy and insecure. If you were wondering is it love or fear of abandonment, you now have the answer.
Another reason behind the fear of abandonment is heartbreak. Sometimes, after a heartbreak, we harbor the emotions of fear of rejection and abandonment so deeply that we believe that what has happened in the past relationship will happen again.
With each rejection, the question “Am I Worthy?” keeps growing louder and louder in mind. In such a scenario, when a person enters a relationship, then end up creating unequal power dynamics by giving themselves a lower position.
Such kind of emotional conditioning arises from disappointments, losses, and, of course, heartbreaks. The feelings get ingrained so deeply that one cannot understand when someone freely admires them. Such admiration becomes a foreign feeling for them. And naturally, they push such emotions away from themselves
Instead of entering a healthy relationship, the person runs behind the people who give the same old feeling of being unwanted.
Fear of Abandonment Signs
Are you wondering if you have a fear of abandonment? Check the signs here!
Signs of abandonment issues in adults include:
- going overboard in a relationship
- thinking that their partner will leave them
- becoming too clingy and needy
- trust issues with their partner
- looking at the faults of the partner instead of the positive attributes
- inability to stay alone for a long time after a breakup
- the feeling of resentment when they are not involved in an activity done by the partner
- feeling that they are unworthy of love
- low self-confidence and low self-esteem
- ending of the relationship to gain control over potential abandonment
- quick moves in a relationship
- the feeling of jealousy due to a platonic relationship
- quick attachment
- controlling nature
- engagement in unwanted sex
- staying in a toxic relationship
- hypersensitivity to criticism
- frequent engagement in self-blame
- over-analysis of the relationship frequently
- getting in a relationship with emotionally unavailable people
Someone with a fear of abandonment always creates the thought that they must not do anything to others or upset the people, especially the loved ones. They feel that to keep themselves safe; they should keep the other person happy.
When in a relationship, they often keep asking their partner, “Do you really love me?”. They frequently ask their partner to promise that they will never leave the.
Sadly, such behavior, after a point of time, becomes irritating, and with such actions, they unconsciously push away their partner.
How To Overcome The Fear Of Abandonment?
Overcoming the fear of abandonment isn’t easy because the fear is set deeply within the heart. However, with a bit of will power, it is possible to drive away from this fear. Here are a few ways through which you can deal with the fear of abandonment.
1. Professional Help
Firstly, after reading this article, at any point in time, if you felt that you might be suffering from the fear of abandonment, you should seek professional help.
2. Talk To Your Loved Ones
Talking with your loved ones about your fears can help them to understand you in a better manner. Also, the support of them can help you to heal yourself. Instead of bottling everything inside you, open up.
3. You Are Worthy Of Love
The abandonment fear is mostly carried by the people who find themselves unworthy of love. In such a scenario, you might end up questioning yourself what makes you so unlovable.
You need to dump this belief and realize that you are worthy of love. No one is perfect. Everyone comes with their share of flaws, and these flaws make them beautiful.
4. Become Emotionally Self-Reliant
Your identity should not be tied to any relationship. The relationships are part of your life, and therefore, your entire life shouldn’t revolve around it.
The relationships do not define you completely. Become emotionally self-reliant. You should hold the key to your happiness. Learn to take control of your emotions.
5. Try To Understand Yourself
Introspect and try to understand yourself. You can try journaling. Ask yourself questions like:
- When did the fear of abandonment begin?
- Why do you feel the way you do?
- Are these fears valid?
- Are you carrying the baggage of your past relationships into the new ones?
- How can you improve the situation?
After you have answered these questions, look at the problems and the solutions from a third-person perspective. This will help you to get an outsider perspective.
6. Replace The Negative Self-Talk With Positive Self-Talk
What you say to yourself matters a lot. Self-talk really shapes the belief that you hold for yourself. Try observing your self-talk. Do you often engage yourself in a negative-self talk?
If yes, you need to change it today. As soon as the train of negative self-talk begins in your mind, change your thought. Think of something positive. If you are facing difficulty in engaging yourself with positive self-talk, try sticking positive affirmations in the mirror.
Start your day by saying aloud the positive affirmations stuck in the mirror and see how wonderfully your day will unfold. Please keep a check on the thoughts that you are having.
Read About: See How Easily You Can Brighten Your Day
7. You Don’t Need Someone To Complete Yourself
It’s okay to be alone. You don’t always need someone special to exist in your life to make your life beautiful. You are complete, and you don’t need to look for the other half to make you feel complete.
Love will enter your life when the time is right. You need to stop looking for it like a desperate soul. If you are single, utilize this time to explore yourself and the world. Engage yourself in new hobbies, try mindfulness and there are plenty of other things that you can do.
Use this time to make yourself interesting!
8. Don’t Go For An Emotionally Unavailable Person
You need to break the cycle of dating emotionally unavailable people. Be with someone ready to be in a relationship with you completely. Stay with someone who is emotionally there for you.
9. Practice Gratitude
I cannot stress enough at the importance of practicing gratitude. Have you heard about the law of attraction? Well, I came across this term while reading “The Secret,” and it has changed my life for good. And I believe that it has the power to change your life too.
Every day before you begin any task, list down ten things that you are grateful for. When you start your day in a positive note by practicing gratitude, you start a chain of positive thoughts and actions.
10. Keep Your Behaviour In Check
There are certain signs associated with the fear of abandonment, as discussed above. You need to keep that behavior in check by noticing your behavioral trait.
Practice mindfulness to stop such behavior right in the track. Understand and remind yourself that you are acting out of fear. Calm yourself down.
Remember that the fear neither helped you in the past nor will help you in the present and future.
Wrapping It Up
The abandonment fear might be deeply ingrained inside you for a long time. You can get rid of it by realizing your self-worth. Introspect and find the root of the fear. Analyze your actions.
Take control of your emotions. Try to understand what is right for you. Step out of your comfort zone and realize that you are enough.